Believe it or not, sometimes things on WhatsApp can be quite thought provoking. Last night my cousin sent over a beautiful photograph of her family taken at her cousin's wedding in Delhi. They were all looking so bright, festive and just so amazing standing there together as a family. I looked at the four of them for a few minutes and then it struck me- they are probably the closest to me outside of my immediate family and yet there is so little I know about them.
This is my Uncle's family- my mother's brother. Like any older sister, my mother dotes on her little brother and they have always been close. We have spent countless summers with them in my Grandmother's house and now that everyone lives in different cities- FB and WhatsApp are our chief means of communication. We know things like what the other is doing- basic stuff like jobs, vacations, some family news, but somewhere along the way, we didn't get the time to know each other as people. Especially my aunt. I looked at her in the picture and wondered if we didn't know her because she is an "outsider". Sounds funny but is true of so many married women in India. They leave their homes, their identities and move into a whole new family after marriage. Many are given the role of the chief home maker- they take care of everyone, are involved in everything about the family, but somehow they always have to stay divided- having a maternal home and a married home or a "sasural". They tread that fine line between the two and are most successful when they find a separate role in each sphere.
I feel like even I never made an effort to know her beyond her role as the wife of my uncle or the mother of my cousins or my mother's sister-in-law. I don't know her in any way that is separate from my family and how she is a part of that.For example, I don't know if it was her aspiration and guidance that has led both her kids to become very successful professionals in a family of business people. I have no clue whatsoever of her relationship with her siblings or if there is anything major her family is grappling with. If I tried to look for a reason for all this- I can't some up with one, except this is how it is for most people in our culture and Indian society. There is never any true assimilation. Just an alliance that is created when a marriage takes place and the greatest likelihood of peace is to keep the two on cordial, regulated interactions.
This is not a rant against a patriarchal society or a commentary on how women are treated differently. I am pretty sure that my aunt's nephews and nieces would say the same about my uncle if I asked them how much they really knew him. It is just an observation on an irony- how the closest of relationships are sometimes not really that deep and we accept that as a given.
This is my Uncle's family- my mother's brother. Like any older sister, my mother dotes on her little brother and they have always been close. We have spent countless summers with them in my Grandmother's house and now that everyone lives in different cities- FB and WhatsApp are our chief means of communication. We know things like what the other is doing- basic stuff like jobs, vacations, some family news, but somewhere along the way, we didn't get the time to know each other as people. Especially my aunt. I looked at her in the picture and wondered if we didn't know her because she is an "outsider". Sounds funny but is true of so many married women in India. They leave their homes, their identities and move into a whole new family after marriage. Many are given the role of the chief home maker- they take care of everyone, are involved in everything about the family, but somehow they always have to stay divided- having a maternal home and a married home or a "sasural". They tread that fine line between the two and are most successful when they find a separate role in each sphere.
I feel like even I never made an effort to know her beyond her role as the wife of my uncle or the mother of my cousins or my mother's sister-in-law. I don't know her in any way that is separate from my family and how she is a part of that.For example, I don't know if it was her aspiration and guidance that has led both her kids to become very successful professionals in a family of business people. I have no clue whatsoever of her relationship with her siblings or if there is anything major her family is grappling with. If I tried to look for a reason for all this- I can't some up with one, except this is how it is for most people in our culture and Indian society. There is never any true assimilation. Just an alliance that is created when a marriage takes place and the greatest likelihood of peace is to keep the two on cordial, regulated interactions.
This is not a rant against a patriarchal society or a commentary on how women are treated differently. I am pretty sure that my aunt's nephews and nieces would say the same about my uncle if I asked them how much they really knew him. It is just an observation on an irony- how the closest of relationships are sometimes not really that deep and we accept that as a given.
