Impostor?

While just browsing the web I decided to click on a very interesting article about the "Impostor Syndrome". It's where, and I quote, senior executives feel a "nagging anxiety that the people (who they work) with and for will soon discover (they're) a fraud". First, I have to say this is a great piece of advertising- Wharton has figured out what is really the reason that most people invest in Exec Ed. They have realized that people need certificates and degrees to ratify the skills that they already have- especially if they haven't taken the traditional route to get where they are.

Being someone who has had a diverse career, I can relate to this to a great extent. I work in an Industry which is very fast paced and for a company where the culture is quite competitive and numbers driven. Being a mid-level manager with Global responsibilities for a diverse account, I am often called to provide expertise and opinion on subjects I did not know too much about till 3 years ago. Even as I sit in a room surrounded by my colleagues and the eager client, there is a nagging voice inside me that makes me doubt what I say. It starts with wondering if I am the person who should be providing this input- how can it be me? Surely someone who is more qualified than me should do it? Proceeds to "I didn't even receive any formal training in this subject" and crescendos inside my head with "You are going to break this and ruin it if you don't stop now".

But the good news is that so far when I have relied on my common sense, experience and educated instinct I have not failed too often, and when I have, it has been a lesson learnt and not something to hold me back. In my opinion a certificate from Wharton can help, but there is no way to prevent this syndrome from recurring if you do not build self-confidence and learn to trust yourself. What can also help is a network of your peers to turn to when new situations arise, and above all accept that you are fallible. Even armed with degrees you will make mistakes and when you fail (because you will!) put that down as learning, and if it helps, give yourself self-certification for it!

Picture

There is something very endearing about a picture of  a new baby sitting on your mantle. It makes you sigh and take a moment to soak in all that innocence and the promise of a new life. If you have older kids of your own, it will take you back to when they were tiny and fit into your arm, and if you plan to have more kids, it just makes it seem like a good idea. So thank you Mona for sending over Mira's picture and adding some brightness to my very cold January evening!

Words

Often words are so easy to come by when there is a crisis in someone elses' life but when it is our lives, or those of the people close to us,  expressing our feelings can be the hardest thing to do. My dad, Papa, pappy or pospsticles as we call him was given a diagnosis of brain tumor today. And I do not know what to say to him or to my mother. Not knowing how I feel about it is a huge part of that. Am I sad, afraid, just plain shocked- I am still processing it all. Hopefully time will clear things up and find me one thread of thought that will give me a road into speaking with them about it. But for now- I am dealing with it in silence. 

Aunt

Believe it or not, sometimes things on WhatsApp can be quite thought provoking. Last night my cousin sent over a beautiful photograph of her family taken at her cousin's wedding in Delhi. They were all looking so bright, festive and just so amazing standing there together as a family. I looked at the four of them for a few minutes and then it struck me- they are probably the closest to me outside of my immediate family and yet there is so little I know about them.

This is my Uncle's family- my mother's brother. Like any older sister, my mother dotes on her little brother and they have always been close. We have spent countless summers with them in my Grandmother's house and now that everyone lives in different cities- FB and WhatsApp are our chief means of communication. We know things like what the other is doing- basic stuff like jobs, vacations, some family news, but somewhere along the way, we didn't get the time to know each other as people. Especially my aunt. I looked at her in the picture and wondered if we didn't know her because she is an "outsider". Sounds funny but is true of so many married women in India. They leave their homes, their identities and move into a whole new family after marriage. Many are given the role of the chief home maker- they take care of everyone, are involved in everything about  the family, but somehow they always have to stay divided- having a maternal home and a married home or a "sasural". They tread that fine line between the two and are most successful when they find a separate role in each sphere.

 I feel like even I never made an effort to know her beyond her role as the wife of my uncle or the mother of my cousins or my mother's sister-in-law.  I don't know her in any way that is separate from my family and how she is a part of that.For example, I don't know if it was her aspiration and guidance that has led both her kids to become very successful professionals in a family of business people. I have no clue whatsoever of her relationship with her siblings or if there is anything major her family is grappling with. If I tried to look for a reason for all this- I can't some up with one, except this is how it is for most people in our culture and Indian society. There is never any true assimilation. Just an alliance that is created when a marriage takes place and the greatest likelihood of peace is to keep the two on cordial, regulated interactions.

This is not a rant against a patriarchal society or a commentary on how women are treated differently. I am pretty sure that my aunt's nephews and nieces would say the same about my uncle if I asked them how much they really knew him. It is just an observation on an irony- how the closest of relationships are sometimes not really that deep and we accept that as a given. 

Regret

I read tales of missing children

I read tales of children missing

I read tales of relationships breaking

I read tales of breaking relationships

I read tales of parents lost

I read tales of lost parents

I read tales of forgotten dreams

I read tales of forgettable "dreams"

All the world is a muddle. Its like we are walking but with our eyes closed, only aware of our own selves. Let's wake up. Let's hold our children, our loved ones so close tonight that if tomorrow we are apart, there maybe pain but no regret.

Family

Saw a great cooking show on Netflix today. So what was so special about it? It was a cooking show where ordinary families cook and compete to win a prize. The dynamics of the families was just fabulous! There was a particularly interesting character of an 86 year old Swedish matriarch of a family who had been married four times and now had a boy friend who was 12 years her junior! Her grand son and daughter just doted on her and accepted that her eccentricities were what made her, her. The other character was a young woman who had come to the show with her mother and husband. She seemed like any ordinary young British lady, but as the competition heated up, not only did her culinary skills blossom but  the camera also brought out her vulnerability and her emotional investment in the show. She and her husband had become interested in cooking through their travels and that had brought them even closer. But clearly for her the competition was a big deal.

The show did a great job of showing how cooking together, or doing anything together as a family is so important. You learn to support, to appreciate, and above all to forgive if a mistake is made- because at the end of it all the family circle and the home should be a place where there is no need to always be perfect. You should be able to be just you and enjoy the love.

Potential

What do we see when we see our children? We see potential, and that is a beautiful thing. Potential is a song that can be sung, a dance that can be danced, a flight that can be soared and a whole epic that can be written.  The life of a child holds the ability to realize so many dreams and the whole world is just waiting for them to come and explore it.

Yesterday I sat there watching Kabir playing the guitar and in my mind I already had him standing on a brightly lit stage, surrounded by thousands of excited fans, who hung on to every note he played. Now, I know that is just a flight of fantasy and he may never become "The Edge" or a Bruce Springsteen or even anything close, but it is my hope that he will pursue something in his life to an extent that he truly masters it and gets recognition as someone who made a difference to the craft. His young mind holds so much potential that it leaves me breathless.

But that also made me wonder- why is it that we only think of children when we think of potential? Why is it that as soon as adulthood settles in, all talk turns to "there was time when I really wanted to...."? Isn't is paradoxical that  we give up so easily on our dreams at a time in our lives when we have far more control of our destinies than we did as children? So what if we do not become maestros or world famous writers, but surely we can enjoy the process. We must first dare to explore our own potential before we ask our children to take the plunge.